The new preamble to my resume:
I piss excellence. Bill Gates retired from Microsoft only when I promised to work there. I don’t version my code because it only needs a single iteration. Intel optimizes their hardware to match my compiler – not the other way around. My code comments have won a Pulitzer Prize. My current code style will be consider a best practice in two years—at that time I will think it is obsolete. The programing languages that I don’t know I haven’t invented yet. I don’t submit to source control – it submits to me. Since I have never introduced a bug to the code base, my hiring can put the testing department out of work. I don’t require an office chair -- I levitate in front of my desk. My specifications are printed and bound then read at Mosques along with the Koran. Then they make the New York Times Best Seller list. Christ is the only one qualified to give me a code review. He comes back to earth when I need a code review – which hasn’t been required yet. I type 1020 words per minute using telepathy. I am the Mayor of Social Media. I am the only one invited to meetings since I am the only one that needs to attend – typically I skip them altogether. I drive in the HOV lane to work since the State Patrol considers me 2+. The porn industry suffered a recession when developers started masturbating to my source code. Startup companies can IPO just by hiring me. The US Patent office checks my blog for “prior art” before issuing patents. My web designs will triple your page views because of developers that want to see my HTML. My solution for the traveling sales person problem is O(n-1). I can see the pixilation in the iPhone retina display. It is your privilege for me to work at your company and I will remind you daily.